Suitcase Heart
by lightsthecity
Summary: She gets better at hiding her feelings, he doesn't. But then again, avoidance has always been one of her strong suits. NS.


_I own nothing._

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><p><em>I can remember when I first saw you<em>  
><em>You said in my photograph I looked more far away<em>  
><em>I laughed and smiled and didn't say "I am a bit afraid to be here." <em>

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><p>He runs after her, going as fast as his legs and stiff oxford shirt and slacks let him.<p>

She sticks her tongue out at him, prancing away, getting mud on her white tights and navy blue crested uniform jumper. She hears her nanny's voice from far away, yelling at her to _be careful and come back, please_. She doesn't listen, just keeps moving, "You'll _never _catch me, Nathaniel Archibald!"

"I will so!" he chases after her, watching as she weaves in and out of the trees in front of them. She disappears swiftly behind one. He stops running, and takes a few steps forward carefully, "Serena?"

There's no answer for what feels like hours to Nate, then all of a sudden, he feels someone jump on him from behind. He's scared for a moment, then he hears her laugh and he breaths a sigh of relief.

"How'd you do that?" he asks, staring into her face in wonderment.

She giggles once more, "Can't tell!"

And then she's running again and he's chasing her, again.

They've already set the tone for their entire relationship.

.

There's a wedding. (_Surprise, surprise_.)

They're eight; too young to need dates to such an event, too young to actually know the bride and groom, too young for many things.

Adults they don't recognize kiss their cheeks and grin and say _look how big you've gotten! _while they all smile politely because they've been trained well but really wish they were anywhere but there.

The four of them are seated at a table together, along with seven other kids.

"Let's dance!" Serena shouts, bored of sitting.

Chuck and Blair grumble and say, "Absolutely _not_!", too proper for such things as dancing at weddings. Nate and two other members of their table stand up and join the blonde on the dance floor.

Nate and Serena get caught up in a slow song, arms on each other's shoulders. Serena smiles shyly at her dance partner and says quietly, "Let's get married some day, okay?"

Eight year old Nate already can't imagine it any other way, "Okay."

.

They're ten when they kiss for the first time. It's just a peck on the lips. It happens like this:

"Can I sleep over?" she gestures at the pink duffle bag at her feet.

He nods, then wraps an arm around her, leading her to his room, "It's okay, Serena, she'll be back soon. Maybe even for good, this time."

She scoffs, "Please." Then changes the subject, "But, at least I get to hang out with you."

"Yeah, you do," he grins, "And we have lots to do, too. It's Blair's birthday in two days. You know she'll kill us if we don't think of something good to get her."

She laughs a little, "She totally will. Any ideas yet?"

"No..." he sighs, "I'm terrible with stuff like that."

"You're not, you always get me great gifts."

"Well, you're easier. You like_ normal_ things, plus I know you better. Blair only likes clothes and jewellery and stupid stuff like that."

She beams at him, "It's okay, Natie, I can help you pick something. We'll go tomorrow, your_ mom _can take us."

"You're my favorite," he grins, then stops when he sees that her smile has faltered, "Hey. It's _okay_."

Maybe she's tireder than she thought, because there are tears running down her face now and she's burying her face in Nate's pillow.

He doesn't know what to do, although he really should by now. So he just rubs her back until she sits up to look at him, her face red.

He hugs her tightly until her quiet sobs stop. She pulls back and stares at him for a minute, and then she leans forward and presses her lips to his quickly, adding in whisper afterwards, "Thanks, Natie."

He nods, eyes round with shock_._ "No problem."

And that's it, their first kiss.

.

A year later, he becomes Blair's first boyfriend.

She asks him, and he doesn't know how to say no.

Afterwards, he asks Serena if she's okay with it, if she wants him to break up with Blair (even though they've only been together for a day, it's already his longest relationship), and she says _no, no it's fine. _

And therein lies their problem; he doesn't know the word no and Serena knows it too well.

.

She gets better at hiding her feelings, he doesn't. But then again, avoidance has always been one of her strong suits.

.

She kisses Chuck once. It doesn't mean anything, she just kisses him because he's standing _right there_ and they're both completely trashed and in the right mood.

She pretends she didn't do it because she saw Nate looking at her earlier, Blair draped all over him.

She pretends she didn't do it because she wanted to hurt him and she knows that nothing hurts more than the best friend.

.

At a tenth grade party, he pulls her aside and says nothing for two seconds. She's smiling at him, her vision slightly hazy, and then she's squeezing his hand and turning to walk away.

He pulls her back and kisses her, quickly. "Serena."

Her smile is gone, eyes flashing red, "I can't."

It's not the first, or the last, time this happens. She never gives into him.

(Except once.)

.

She runs away, and comes back.

It becomes a pattern.

.

While Serena builds her world back up with a boy from Brooklyn, everyone else's comes crashing down.

It's strange to be on the other side of things, she thinks, to be the one who has herself (mostly) together.

It doesn't last long, anyway.

.

It's the summer after eleventh grade and all of them but Blair are in the Hamptons.

"So, you and Nathaniel?"

Serena glances up at her step-brother, playing along even though she knows he sees right through her, "Mmhm."

"I call 'cheat'."

She grins, lying easily, "Nope."

Chuck looks at her skeptically still, but responds sincerely, "Well, then it's about time."

.

She kisses Nate at the white party but leaves with Dan.

It terrifies her that kissing Nate feels so right, but it also scares her that it feels kind of right, too, when Dan kisses her later.

It's Dan's chance, though. So she chooses him.

.

A year passes, and she barely speaks to him, though not on purpose.

She thinks this might be the way it all ends, nothing dramatic, just a quiet dissolution of a friendship.

She's incredibly glad that she's wrong (and that she didn't go to Brown).

_._

Lying in a hospital bed, half asleep, she imagines the fight she will have with the boy in the chair next to her when they both wake up.

He yells at her for going with Tripp. She begs him to forgive her, tells him that she knew as soon as she got in the car with his cousin that she had made the wrong choice. He brings up their past, the many times she hurt him. She tries to justify her actions, and it works, kind of, because he decides to give her, or rather, _them _a chance.

The fight doesn't happen, though. She's surprised, and strangely upset, by the fact that he's not angry with her, as he has every right to be.

But it doesn't matter in the end, because he pulls her into his arms and they know without saying that she's not running away from him anymore, at least for a while.

Always ones for great timing, Nate has to go away with his family the next day.

.

"You've_ never_ been to Coney Island?"

She blushes, embarrassed, "It's not_ that _weird."

"Yeah, it's not weird at all that you're a born and bred New Yorker but you've never been to Coney Island," he grins sarcastically.

"When were _you _even there? Last I checked it's not an approved Upper East Side private school field trip."

"I went with my cousins one summer. Tripp was supposed to be watching us but he snuck us out. Our parents were so mad."

She stops momentarily at Tripp's name, then a smile starts to play on her lips, "Let's go."

"Now?" he gapes at her.

That wasn't what she meant, but she goes along with it, "Sure."

"Alright. But we're taking the subway."

"Look at you: Nate Archibald, man of the people."

"You _have _been on the subway, right?"

"Yes!" she smacks his shoulder, offended, adding jokingly, "_Twice_."

They take the D train, laughing at how Blair and Chuck would be freaking out if they knew what they were doing.

When they're halfway there, a scruffy man across the car starts sneering at her, so she huddles in close to Nate as he places an arm around her protectively.

They get to the amusement park, and buy two tickets. Nate looks at blonde hair against the backdrop of ferris wheels and roller coasters and rainbow colored lights and thinks that this place is perfect for her.

She kisses him on the ferris wheel, tasting like cotton candy and funnel cakes, and he can't help but agree with himself again - she is perfect here.

.

"Just to clear things up," she says one day out of the blue, speaking too quickly, "I know we've moved past this, but I really need to explain some things to you, to apologize."

He looks concerned, "About what?"

"It's just... looking back at all the reasons I went with Tripp on Thanksgiving, my feelings for him were the least important. I think I went with him because I was angry with my mother. I wanted to prove a point, I guess," she smiles sadly, "Which I should really know by now is never a good reason for anything." She looks down at her fingers, absentmindedly picking at her nail polish, "When you were standing there saying all these things, I couldn't process any of it because I had just read that letter from my dad, and I was so mad at you for showing everyone that video of me and Tripp." She pauses, then looks straight at him, "I'm so, so sorry, Nate. I wish I could go back and do it over."

He pulls her close and kisses the top of her head, "Serena, it's okay. We're here now."

She pulls away and looks at him, eyes wide, "It's not! I keep hurting you and you're so, so _good_ to me. It's not fair."

.

He hurts_ her,_ this time.

So she kisses Dan, and she runs away again. She can't help it.

And then she comes back (again) to one boy who is furious with her, and one who isn't.

She hates to admit it to herself, but she hasn't the slightest clue who she'll choose.

.

She goes to see Dan first. She's not sure why.

He breaths a sigh of relief when she walks in the door, and then starts rambling, "Oh, good. You have no idea how nervous I was. I guess I should've known that you would choose me. I mean, you have history with Nate but it's nothing like what we had, right? This is..."

He keeps talking, but she stops listening.

He's very confident, which is strange, because you would think that Nate would be the confident one in this stand-off. But Nate has lost Serena one too many times to be sure of himself, and Dan has a few more times left in him.

Dan was right, though, at least sort of. She thinks she was going to choose him.

But as soon as he started talking she remembered why they broke up in the first place. And she realizes she's choosing him for all the wrong reasons.

Dan was an enormous part of her life for almost two years, they're connected in many ways.

_Once upon a time, it felt like forever. But it doesn't anymore, hasn't for a long time._

She thought that Dan was the easy option, but listening to him talk and actually seeing _him _(not the version she has of him in her head) she realizes that they might not last. And afterwards, she might have lost Nate completely. She can't breath at the thought, and she's suddenly very aware that she's in the wrong place.

"I have to go, sorry. Bye_, _Dan."

.

"Hey," she smiles as she walks up to him. He's sitting on a bench in front of Butler Library, waiting for her.

"Hey," he says, "Good news or bad?"

"You tell me."

"I don't know, Serena."

"Here's a hint: I _think_ I'm choosing you right now."

He exhales, "You _think_?"

"I _am_," she corrects herself, her feelings confirmed by seeing him.

"For real this time?"

She nods, slowly.

"Because I know you had this huge thing with Dan, but if it's over, it's over. You can't go running back to him every time we fight."

"I won't," she insists, "It's over. And I know that things can't just go back to normal right away but we can get there. I mean, it's _us_, we'll always-"

She stops talking, because all of a sudden his lips are on hers. _This _feels like forever.

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><p><em>Now we're cleaning the windows between us two <em>  
><em>Funny, you do it once, and then again, and pretty soon <em>  
><em>the fingerprints and dust...<em>  
><em>But I've begun to trust the view here. <em>

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><p><strong>lyricstitle courtesy of the weepies, song is 'slow pony home'. sorry if it was cheesy. **

**also, reviews are nice.**


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